So right now, I am fuming. I have been set off and now I just cant stop thinking negative, horrible thoughts.
I just can't understand how I could have made such a mess out of my life. I left a really nice guy who wanted nothing more than to be with me and make me happy for the rest of our lives to be with someone I barely knew, got engaged after 3 weeks of dating and then pregnant a week later. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???? And why does it always take me 2+ years to realize and really feel it when I've made a horrible mistake?
The thought of this life being as good as it gets makes me want to off myself (I would never because of my kids) but sometimes I just feel like there's no point in living anymore. The only person I've ever loved doesn't want me back and humiliated me when I tried making things right. I have to live with the fact that I destroyed the most beautiful gift I have ever received from God. Don't get me wrong, I do believe my kids are also gifts from God which makes me really confused as to how I can feel like Patrick was a gift but my kids are not?? I don't know. My life is plan B. I just can't stop thinking about plan A and how I ruined my only chance to take the opportunity of a lifetime because I got bored, discouraged by the distance, time & expense and distracted (played) by Lev. I went on for 2 years never giving it a second thought until I had the dreaded donkey experience (I can't even say his name because he is such a disgusting person) that made me realize what a grave mistake I had made.
All I want is to be able to cope with life and it's ups and downs without constantly reverting back to Patrick and how I fucked up and how this is not what my life is supposed to be. I am supposed to be with the most gorgeous man on the planet who is madly in love with me and treats me like a princess. No No NO. This is what my life is supposed to be. God doesn't make mistakes. What's meant to be is meant to be. There's nothing you can do, the past is the past. <~~~ WHY CAN'T I TRULY BELIEVE THIS?
It's funny how 90% of the guys I've dated were gorgeous and treated me like a Goddess and I end up with the least attractive one who treats me like shit. He doesn't love me and it shows. I just don't know how much longer I can stay in this situation without breaking. I can fake it for only so long.
I have this thing I do that's the emotional equivalent to cutting. I check Patrick's girlfriend's blog. I wish I never knew her damn name because she blogs about every single intricate detail of their lives. He is buying a house with her, in fact, they closed on June 5th. I wish I didn't know this. I also know that they were on a vacation to Disney the week before the closing, but I can't bring myself to check it again because my gut feeling tells me that he probably proposed to her on that vacation. The ever responsible, romantic and thoughtful Patrick would never buy a house with a girl that he wasn't planning on marrying. And I can't even hate the girl. She seems wonderful and definitely not the type to break his heart. She's better than me. That's what hurts the most. She's better than me and I was never good enough for him.
I secretly felt that way about Steve, too. He was always so happy an chipper. I just felt like he could do better and be with someone who is happy like him. I don't know why I sabotage my own happiness all the time and basically gave away all the good guys any other girl would have killed for. As we speak, my best friend is in Jamaica attending the wedding of another one of my exes, Adam, who I dated over a decade ago. Another guy that kissed the ground I walked on and would have married me in a second, I tossed in the trash. A few weeks after we broke up, he started dating Leah's friend. And now they are getting married. They are happy. Everyone is happy except me. I've come to the realization that I will never be happy. Every single one of my exboyfriends happy and they all deserve happiness except Justin and Donkey and even Adam was a crappy person, he doesn't deserve happiness, but whatever he is happy with his rich Jew wife. Everyone else who is happy deserves to be. Maybe this is what full circle is. I am living my own karma and it fucking sucks.
